What are five simple exercises to do at home?
No Equipment Needed, Just a Cat and a Lint Roller
Fitness influencers swear you only need a living room and commitment. They never mention the fringe benefits that come with a cat.
1. The Cleanup Lunge
Throw up. Or the classic: pee landing exactly two centimetres outside the litter box, with the precision of someone who measured. You’ll find it the way everyone does, with a sock, at 6:15 a.m.
Repeat daily, bonus points if you’re barefoot.
2. The Shouting Match
Several times a day, your cat will stand in the hallway and yell at a wall (especially if she’s the “geriatric” kind). You, in turn, will yell at her to stop yelling at the wall:
“MEOWWWRRRRRRR!!!”
“What is it?”
“Meowwwwwww?”
“Are you hungry?”
“Meow.”
“You have a full bowl. I watched you ignore it at 9 p.m.”
“MEOWWWRRR.”
“Do you need something? Water? Are you cold? Is it the wall again?”
She looks at the wall. She looks at you. She looks at the wall again, slower this time, like a cat who is done repeating herself to someone who claims to be “adulting.”
3. Interval Training (6 to 8 p.m.)
Entertain your feline friend with a feather wand between 6 and 8 p.m. so she’s too tired to wake you between 2 and 4 a.m. Results may vary.*
*A legal phrase meaning she’ll be standing on your sternum at 2:47 a.m. anyway, having thoroughly enjoyed the wand and moved on.
4. Furniture Draping
If you’re allergic to cats, like me (don’t ask) make sure every surface gets a blanket, and then the blankets get blankets. This targets your lats, your traps, and the muscle group known as “why is my back like this?”
Add the sneezing and you’ve got a full cardio session.
5. Documentary Photography
Finally, take approximately 400 photos of her looking angelic: chin on paws, soft window light, the face of a cat who has never once yelled at drywall. Crop out the blankets, the lint roller, and the suspicious spot near the litter box.
If this ever goes to trial, the evidence will conclusively prove she’s an angel.
Extra Credit: Call Your Mom
Call your mom, a lifelong cat hater, and gush about yours. Send photos. Use the word “baby” unironically.
She will let you finish, sigh, and say, “These are not the grandkids I asked for.”
Congratulations, you are now frustrated enough to run a 10k. Cardio complete.
