Why Can’t You See Me the Way I Want to Be Seen?

How partial yet meaningful understanding can help us resolve conflicts and improve relationships

Disagreements have a way of creeping up on us when we least expect them.

They throw us off balance, surface uncomfortable feelings, and sap our energy.

In those moments, effective communication techniques are incredibly beneficial. They can even help us generate unexpected breakthroughs. 

Yet sometimes, despite our best efforts, we leave discussions feeling like we haven’t been fully seen, heard or understood. 

In my personal experience and my work in the field of conflict resolution, I’ve noticed that not feeling fully understood is quite common. 

So, I started to wonder…

…what causes us to not feel fully seen even when we use all the great communication techniques at our disposal?

I think a big part of the challenge is that we have different worldviews based on our lived experiences, culture, preferences, beliefs, and values. 

Our worldview informs our opinions on things like how much risk we think is reasonable to take, what’s an appropriate work-life balance, and what respect means to us. 

It’s like the water that a fish (or sea creature :)) swims in. We’re often unaware of our worldview because we’re too close to it. This makes us take certain things for granted—i.e., as the “truth” or the way things “should” be. 

There are also parts of ourselves that we don’t even fully understand because we’re constantly evolving, which further complicates things.

But back to my fish-in-water analogy…

If the water you swim in has always been blue, you tend to assume everyone else’s water is blue too. That’s how worldviews work when we’re not conscious of them. 

But some people swim in yellow ponds… or green oceans… or orange seas (you get the point here).

When we have trouble “seeing” each other, it’s often because the colour of our water is extra strong in that area.

These areas of our worldviews are (1) deeply entrenched and (2) very different. 

So, how can we resolve conflicts in these types of situations?

As I was drawing this out, I started to think about the people in my own life. I realized that while I may not feel fully understood by some of them, I still feel incredibly close to them.  

And I think that this is because partial yet meaningful understanding can be enough sometimes. (And perhaps this is all we ever realistically achieve in many respects.)

This type of understanding emphasizes empathy, support, and learning, even when we don’t fully “get each other.” 

It allows us to step back and say to each other, “Wow… we really don’t see eye to eye on this issue, but I appreciate how important it is to you. How can we respect each other’s needs here?” 

(Often in not so many words, but that’s the sentiment.)

Personally, I feel incredibly cared for when someone close to me says, “I don’t fully get it, but I hear you and I’m here for you…” 

…because I know how hard it is to do this. 

And I know that when I do this for someone else, my understanding of the other person’s worldview deepens with time.

And this happens when even when I don’t fully understand their perspective right away.

It’s funny how incredible shifts can occur when we loosen our grip on the need for certainty and allow ourselves to sit in the uncomfortable space of “I don’t get it, and that’s okay.” 

So even if someone can’t see us the way we want to be seen, maybe the fact that they’re trying their best and “kind of get it” is enough sometimes. 

And perhaps what’s most important in those moments is that we see, hear, and understand ourselves…

…because the more we can see ourselves clearly, the more we can see other people clearly.

So I’m curious to hear how all this is landing with you. 

What do you do when you don’t feel fully seen, heard and understood despite your best efforts?

The images in this article were created by the author with ❤️ using Procreate.

Looking for more? If you want to learn how to set meaningful goals to help you feel more seen, heard, and understood at work, grab my FREE download: The Sensitive Woman’s Guide to Career Brilliance—Your 5-step roadmap to shine.